If ever there was a sign that the Atlanta Falcons’ front office is in good hands, the car that the team’s general manager drives may be the most telling of all.

In the last few weeks Thomas Dimitroff has twice been seen at the W Hotel in Buckhead in a Volvo station wagon. The car that in its lifespan generally passes from yuppie moms to bumper sticker loving hippies somehow found its way to the driveway of the most powerful man in the Falcons’ front office.

Experts say that this is a good move for him given that, because of his on-again/off-again facial hair and pointy coiffure, he often is mistaken for a hung over college student.

“I was surprised at the choice of transportation for Dimitroff,” I said, noting that an associate that was with the G.M. pointed out that he was “in his wife’s car.”

Tim also noted that Dimitroff gave a five dollar tip.

“Between the car and the tip, it shows that he’s not cheap, but he’s also not willing to just throw money around,” I said. “Those are good traits in a general manager if you ask me.”

It appears that even Mondays are not immune from the celebrity onslaught at the high-end Buckhead hotel where Tim parks cars.

Around 8:30 p.m. famous Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudemire and a large group of friends arrived to eat dinner at the hotel restaurant. Stoudemire himself drove up in a swank Maybach, a high end car made by Mercedes, while his friends drove a more pedestrian tricked-out Land Rover.

“I had never even heard of Maybach until a couple of weeks ago,” I said. “But it clearly is a car of choice for people with big money.”

Unfortunately, the restaurant refused to seat the large group despite the relatively slow traffic of a Monday night. It was an iffy decision that raised some suspicious eyebrows among the valet group seeking big tips.

“They told them that they didn’t have enough tables to seat everyone,” said Fernan, the valet supervisor on duty. “That’s just crazy, man.”

Over the past few years, Buckhead establishments have become wary of large groups of well-to-do African-Americans because of a perceived threat of trouble. However, on a Monday night that threat seemed minimal.

As for Tim, he was a little embarrassed that a co-worker had to point out that Stoudemire was, in fact, a part of the group.

“I saw this tall guy wearing glasses, and I saw the unusually nice cars,” I said. “But I didn’t put two and two together until someone told me who it was. I’m such an idiot.“

Stoudemire signed an autograph or two outside the hotel before he and his party politely took their business elsewhere.

As if Tim needed any confirmation that he was working in the heart of Atlanta’s social scene, two more celebrities made an appearance at his place of business on Saturday.

The first was a basketball player who is perhaps most known for looking much older than all of his paperwork says he is. Greg Oden, currently of the Portland Trailblazers, is listed as having been born on Jan. 22, 1988, which would make him 21 years old. He has drawn his fair share of light-hearted ridicule over the fact that he looks much older.

When Heather, Tim’s wife, was shown a picture of Oden without any prior information and asked how old she thought he was, she promptly responded, “What? Like 45, maybe?”

Oden has also experienced a series of leg and foot injuries in his brief career, which led Tim to “wonder who would win a game of one-on-one? Greg Oden or Dr. J?” Dr. J was also a recent Buckhead celebrity sighting.

“Although, I must say that his body language was not that of an older man,” Tim added. “In interacting with the cab driver and the handful of flunkies who were with him, he really comported himself much like a person his age would.”

The other famous face to show up at the posh hotel Saturday was movie star Chris Tucker, who is most known for his work in the “Rush Hour” films alongside Jackie Chan.

“He’s a lot shorter than I thought he would be,” said one of Tim’s co-workers of Tucker.

After three weeks at his new job as a valet (Oops, I mean valet. Okay seriously.) Tim is settling nicely into his new work environs. The work comes at a posh Buckhead hotel where high rollers are the norm on the weekends, and businessmen with expense accounts are typical weekday denizens.

In the wake of his recent bout with unemployment, Tim’s logic in taking the job was sound.

“I just figured if I couldn’t be a rich person, I would live vicariously through them by driving as many of their cars as possible,” I said.

The job also has some unexpected perks. Because it’s in such a swank part of town, celebrity sightings are not uncommon. Among the famous or semi-famous people that Tim has spotted have been Dr. J, Alonzo Mourning, that chick from “What Not to Wear”, and Braves announcer Chip Caray.

“Stacy London’s European pal gave me five bucks for setting the GPS device in his hybrid for the Atlanta Airport,” I said. “I think I made a good impression.”

Tim says that the pay is decent, (“Better than a kick in the head,” I said) and because there’s a good bit of running back and forth between the driveway and the parking lot it has also given his beer gut its first true challenge in over a year.

By Tim Altork / STAFF

The economy in the Altork home got its first sign of a permanent rebound after what some experts say has been a 3-month slide. Wife and mother Heather got a job as a full time nanny to two young children in Roswell, Georgia. The hiring ends what had become a tedious job search for both of the principle members of the Altork household.

“I don’t want to be too hyperbolic,” I said. “But, as somebody famous once said, I think our long national nightmare is over.”

Heather began her job at noon today, and will continue to work weekdays from around 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.

It was a rather quick process in which Heather posted an ad on craigslist, got a call and sealed the deal within two days.

“Makes you wonder why we didn’t think of this sooner,” I said.

“I am so relieved,” Heather said, after throwing high fives to everyone in the house. “It’ll be nice to actually have some money coming in on a consistent basis for a change.”

While the news was good from Heather’s hunt, Tim’s search continues to be a huge embarrasing failure with no end in sight.

“I feel like this could go on for a long time yet,” I said.

Sensing a compelling urge to get out of the rut that they were in the Altorks made an impromptu decision last week to pack up the minivan and go visit Tim’s parents.

The trip served several purposes not the least of which was to get away from the endless string of overcast and rainy days that the metro Atlanta area has been experiencing.

“The weather has been downright depressing,” Heather said. “I know we need the rain, but come on. Enough is enough already.”

Upon their arrival the Altorks wasted no time in getting to the beach. The effect was dramatic and almost instantaneous.

“The sea air really did us all a lot of good,” I said. “The beach is a great place to unwind. I just wish we could have stayed longer.”

Tim’s trip was cut short because of the pressing nature of his job search and because son Liam, 3, had to get back to school. Heather stayed behind with the other two children for two more days to help minimize distractions for Tim as he searched for work.

The family is now back at home together, and it’s still raining.

by Tim Altork / STAFF

As the jobless state in the Altork home continues to drag on, fresh ideas for employment are beginning to exhaust themselves.

The most recent idea that was shot down consisted of joining a website that does cursory coverage of high school sports in Georgia. Tim wanted to bring content (such as stories and photos) to the site that currently consists of scores and standings. But despite an expressed desire to provide such content, the site’s proprietor is faced with a harsh reality.

“There’s this disconnect between what consumers want to read, and what advertisers are willing to fund,” I explained, after talking with him yesterday afternoon. “There’s a market for high school sports, but covering it through an online venue won’t produce enough revenue to pay the bills.”

The latest dead end was just the most recent in a series of efforts that have yet to pay off for the Altorks. Tim has sent resumes to four local media entities and has sent out two proposals for collaborative project ideas to two other companies. Heather has also done a mass send of her resume to child-care facilities in the area, to no avail.

“We know something will come out of this,” Heather said. “We just have to hold tight and hang in there until it does.”

By Tim Altork / STAFF

I watch a fair amount of television, and despite my best efforts, I manage to get hijacked out of my viewing bliss from time to time by commercials that don’t make any sense.

Now commercials can, from time to time, tickle the funny bone or even get you tapping your toes. But either there has been an influx of mind-altering substances injected into advertising meetings nationwide or these executives are intentionally trying to confuse us so we’ll sit around all day wondering what the hell their commercial had to do with their product.

This isn’t to say that advertisers haven’t always wanted to annoy us. But at least they used to have people shout at us to our faces, not make us wonder if we accidentally moved to another country.

I’m not sure what kind of painful torture I prefer to endure – Billy Mays screaming at me about Orange Glo or Arby’s putting a turkey and bacon sandwich on a bun and calling it a burger. But either way, the new line of confusing commercials is getting longer everyday. And it’s a bit unsettling.

I’m not sure how it all started, but in my mind Wendy’s is to the advertise-by-confusion genre what the Beatles were to rock and roll. They didn’t invent it, but it wouldn’t be what it is today without them.

In case you haven’t seen the latest slogan, it’s about as insulting to the intelligence of the American public as this.

I think there’s some kind of law of physics that states that you can’t say that you are better than something if you are indeed that thing to which you are comparing yourself. In other words…WENDY’S IS FAST FOOD! HOW CAN THEY BE WAAAAAAAY BETTER THAN THEMSELVES??

I heard the same nonsensical strategy on the radio the other day when Weight Watchers told me, “Diets don’t work. Weight Watchers does.” Come again? You just told me two contradictory statements. It’s like if I flagged you down on the side of the road claiming I was out of gas, then once you stopped I got in my car and drove off spraying you with gravel and waving my birdie finger out the window. You’d feel like a moron, right? Is that what these ads are supposed to accomplish?

Maybe I’m just a sucker. Maybe the ads are so ridiculous that they want normal logical-thinking people like myself to publicize them by lampooning them, hence spreading their brand and making them more dough.

But I for one will never try Weight Watchers and I won’t have to because I won’t ever eat at Wendy’s again as long as they insist on claiming the preposterous, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Oh, and from here on out my new slogan is going to be, “It’s a bajillion times better than blogging. It’s the Tim Times.”

With the annual NCAA men’s basketball tournament set to begin today, general indicators point to the potential for a heightened level of stress within the Altork home.

“Neither one of us has a job, so I just don’t see how he can afford to sit on the couch and watch basketball,” Heather said.

The tournament is one of the most followed sports events of the year. Tim, as a sports fan – and despite his jobless state – still feels an obligation to enjoy the annual rite of spring.

“I really don’t know if I could live with myself if I knew that the tournament was going on and I couldn’t at least have it on in the background,” he said.

While the potential for conflict is high, officials believe that an accord can be reached by the time the tournament begins.

Sensing a need to get the family out of the house the Altorks, led by wife and mother Heather, decided yesterday that a trip to the gym would be a good solution.

They were right.

But the group’s physical activity was not the traditional workout and sweat routine. The kids spent their time in the child care center while Tim and Heather, along with Heather’s sister Laryssa, went to the aquatic center to relax.

“I didn’t really want to go at first. It’s always kind of a hassle to take the kids somewhere,” I said. “But once we got there it was exactly what we needed.”

“I’m really glad they decided to take us somewhere,” said daughter Garland, 2, through an interpreter. “We get to jump on the trampoline a lot but other than that it seemed like forever since we did something fun.”

The trio of grown-ups spent some time in the hot tub before going over to the leisure pool to play a little water basketball, do some handstands and compete in a couple of races.

“I haven’t been that physically active in a long time,” Heather said. “I can’t feel my legs.”

Once the events at the gym were complete Laryssa went home and texted some people, the kids went to bed and Heather and Tim stayed up to try to figure out what’s going on on Lost.